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You are here: Home / Blog posts / Mental health / Things you shouldn’t say to someone who self-harms

Things you shouldn’t say to someone who self-harms

October 6, 2021 Filed Under: Mental health, Blog posts

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in mental health, this post is based purely on my experience.

Self-harm is a very serious topic and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. If a loved one tells you they self-harm, it can be hard to know what to say. If you are reading this and are supporting someone, I know you are trying your best and we appreciate you ❤ I thought it would be a good idea to share things you shouldn’t say to someone who self-harms.

“If you don’t stop, I won’t be your friend”

In my experience, I’ve always felt guilting and shameful for self-harming. By giving an ultimatum, it will make the whole situation a lot worse. Maybe their first instinct is to panic, but if someone said this to me I would feel so embarrassed.

A lot of people will relapse, by giving this ‘challenge’, it will cause more guilt when they relapse. I sometimes used self-harm as a punishment for whatever so saying this can give such a negative effect. I would wish that I never told them and probably wouldn’t open up again.

“Just stop”

This is similar to ‘just eat’ which I mentioned in 6 things you shouldn’t say to someone with an eating disorder. If it were that simple, we would have already done it. It is likely that they have tried and failed to stop. I tried so many distraction techniques but could never really find one that would work. At the moment, surrounding myself with friends and having a good time stops me. Though those moments can be rare.

“Why?”

A lot of people who self-harm, don’t know why they do it. It took me a pretty long time to figure it out, and even then sometimes the reasons change. It’s confusing for us, so it will be very hard to explain.

I used to feel really silly saying my reasons out loud, I was worried they weren’t good enough reasons or that I was being overdramatic.

If you want to know more, educate yourself – there are plenty of books or blog posts on self-harm.

“But you have a good life”

I hate it when people try to make me feel guilty because I’m not poor, I have a good support network etc. but are still self-harming. Like I said before, I feel ashamed when doing it. I know that my life could be much worse, but my mind is currently not well. Please don’t say things like this. It’s horrible.

“You just need to distract yourself”

It isn’t so easy that you can just do something else. It takes time.

If you think you might be at that stage, or you would like to find some good distractions, I wrote a post in March on How to create a self-harm distraction box

“Your scars will be there forever”

This is wrong to say on so many levels. A few possibilities:

Number 1 – If you don’t have scars, it can make you feel weirdly guilty for not doing it right etc.

Number 2 – It makes me feel more guilt

Number 3 – I don’t want scars, but I can’t stop

“What are those scars etc. from?”

No, just no. Do not point out scars, especially not in public.

“This is just a phase”

Maybe it’s from films or TV shows, but some people think that if you self-harm then you are a goth. This obviously isn’t true. And why would you hurt yourself for no reason? I did it because nothing else would give me that specific release. I wish it was a phase, but it’s a mental illness.

Related post: Suicide myths & 30 reasons to stay alive

For anyone who self-harms or are struggling with anything mentioned in this post, there are some resources and helplines below.

Samaritans – 116 123

Mind

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About Caroline

Welcome to Enviroline Blog 💗
I blog to raise awareness about the environment and mental health - specifically eating disorder recovery.
I upload every Sunday and some Wednesdays.

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Comments

  1. Alice Spake says

    October 6, 2021 at 9:48 pm

    Super important, the wording is so incredibly important when it comes to things like this as one wrong word could be detrimental

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 6, 2021 at 9:58 pm

      I agree x

      Reply
  2. ReadAndReviewIt says

    October 7, 2021 at 6:51 am

    This is such an important post! One of my friends has had a really tough history with self harm so this was really helpful. It’s so important to think carefully before you speak so you don’t end up making things worse! Thanks for sharing x

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 10:19 am

      Thank you xx

      Reply
  3. Kelly Diane says

    October 7, 2021 at 7:06 am

    This is a really important topic. I definitely think people should educate themselves on how they can help rather than making matters worse.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 10:19 am

      Me too x

      Reply
  4. Baby Boomer Super Saver says

    October 7, 2021 at 8:54 am

    Thank you for sharing this important and sensitive topic. It’s great that you included some resources and helplines as well. A self-harm distraction box is a very creative idea.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 10:20 am

      Thank you x

      Reply
  5. Lisa says

    October 7, 2021 at 9:45 am

    Thank you, Caroline, this is a very important post and shows the real impact of not choosing your words carefully. Just because you don’t understand someone’s impulses, that does not give you right to pass judgement. A very helpful article.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 10:20 am

      So true x

      Reply
  6. Elle says

    October 7, 2021 at 9:45 am

    This is such an important post which I think so many people should read and find helpful. I’ve never understood why people think it’s okay to ask such questions, i totally get that their intentions are good but it must be so difficult for the person harming too answer. Love this post. Thank you so much for sharing! Xo

    Elle – ellegracedeveson.com

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 10:20 am

      Me too! x

      Reply
  7. Basic With Life says

    October 7, 2021 at 9:48 am

    This is such an important topic. This post is appreciated, posts like this are needed to help educate. Thank you for sharing such a well approached and helpful blog post.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 10:20 am

      Thank you x

      Reply
  8. Soffy says

    October 7, 2021 at 10:26 am

    I can’t thank you enough for this. Often people want to say something to help you but the words don’t really come out properly and end up causing more damage. Thank you for sharing this.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:43 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  9. Vourneen says

    October 7, 2021 at 10:43 am

    Such an important post Caroline and I’m sure it will help many people understand what shouldn’t be said in this situation x

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:53 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  10. Claire Mac says

    October 7, 2021 at 11:05 am

    I can’t believe these things are even said. Especially ‘just stop’ as if it’s as easy as that. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s such an important topic to speak about and i’m sure it’ll help a lot of people.
    Claire.x
    http://www.clairemac.co.uk

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:53 pm

      Thank you Claire x

      Reply
  11. Not-So-Modern-Girl says

    October 7, 2021 at 11:06 am

    Thank you for sharing Caroline. Just because someone has a “good life” on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling on the inside. This post will help others to support their loved ones, I’m sure x

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:54 pm

      Very true x

      Reply
  12. Molly @ Transatlantic Notes says

    October 7, 2021 at 1:45 pm

    It seems like all these types of comments come from people who have absolutely no idea about self-harming or how to be appropriate and respectful about it. I hope people learn from this and realize that offering ‘advice’ to someone when you don’t have any/much understanding about it all is not a great idea. Thanks for sharing this — it’s very important to know how we can all do better.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:58 pm

      So true! x

      Reply
  13. Jodie | That Happy Reader says

    October 7, 2021 at 2:45 pm

    What an important topic and one I really haven’t read that much about. Thanks for sharing this information.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:58 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  14. Lucy says

    October 7, 2021 at 3:04 pm

    This is such a powerful and superbly worded post Caroline, people sometimes are so tactless and they don’t realise that saying some of these things can do more harm than good, everyone should read this x

    Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:59 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  15. Stephanie says

    October 7, 2021 at 3:34 pm

    This is such a well-written post. Self-harm is a part of my past and these are all conversations that I would’ve liked to avoid as well, so I appreciate your heart in this so much. It’s really important for people to think through what they’re really saying. Thank you for sharing this – I hope so many people read it and learn from it.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 3:59 pm

      Thank you xx

      Reply
  16. Anneliese says

    October 7, 2021 at 4:08 pm

    Thanks for sharing these. Sometimes people get caught up in trying to figure out the right thing to say they don’t think about avoiding the wrong things, and end up making just as much of a mess as if htey’d said nothing.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 4:16 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  17. Loren says

    October 7, 2021 at 9:09 pm

    Thank you for sharing this Caroline. Some people can be rude and insolent when it comes to matters that a) don’t concern them and b) things that they can’t easily understand. But hopefully, through posts like these, they can realize their wrongdoing and change their ways.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 7, 2021 at 9:58 pm

      It’s so sad, thank you for saying that xx

      Reply
  18. JamieAdstories says

    October 7, 2021 at 10:25 pm

    A helpful post, handled sensitively. An important subject.

    Reply
  19. Pastor Natalie says

    October 8, 2021 at 4:23 am

    Sincerely appreciate you sharing this very important topic Caroline. It’s really vital to be careful with your words and be sensitive when someone is going through this. It’s really important to get help when going through this difficult situation of self harm. Thank you for sharing.

    Pastor Natalie
    Letstakeamoment.com

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 8, 2021 at 4:45 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  20. Gemma Jayne says

    October 8, 2021 at 9:24 am

    A helpful post and useful for those that may know others that are going through this. It is so important how we talk to people and similar to a lot of mental health we just need to be mindful of what we say. Thank you for sharing xx

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 8, 2021 at 4:45 pm

      Definitely x

      Reply
  21. Lauren says

    October 8, 2021 at 11:03 am

    These are some really valid points you have shared and is a very helpful post. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 8, 2021 at 4:45 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  22. Mummy Conquering Anxiety says

    October 8, 2021 at 3:49 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this honest post.

    It will certainly help others who have either experienced this or those trying to help someone. I’ve been on both ends, the one helping someone else and the person in need. It’s difficult for everyone.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 8, 2021 at 4:46 pm

      I feel you xx

      Reply
  23. Jenny in Neverland says

    October 9, 2021 at 11:23 am

    Ugh, yes. I don’t have *much* experience with this but have known people to self harm and I don’t know who would dream of saying things like this. I know there’s a lot of learning involved in how to approach these things especially if you’re worried about someone. I understand that sometimes these things come from a place of naivety than anything else but when people say them to be spiteful or try and get the upper ground – ugh.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 11, 2021 at 9:50 pm

      Yeah x

      Reply
  24. Michelle Gast says

    October 9, 2021 at 7:33 pm

    This is a very informative post. Thanks for sharing!
    ~Michelle
    https://michellescrazybusylife.net

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 11, 2021 at 9:51 pm

      Thank you x

      Reply
  25. Lynn says

    October 12, 2021 at 5:18 am

    Oh wow, thank you for sharing! I’ve never really thought about these things before so its awesome when I can read a post that educates me! xx

    Lynn | https://www.lynnmumbingmejia.com

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 12, 2021 at 3:21 pm

      Thank you Lynn xx

      Reply
  26. Karalee Shotola says

    October 12, 2021 at 1:08 pm

    Thank you for writing about this topic. When I was in junior high/high school, I self-harmed & I wish my friends could’ve read this post. I’ve received the “I won’t be your friend anymore if you don’t stop” comment & it wasn’t helpful at all & it just made me feel terrible. I also hated the “why” question because I couldn’t answer it myself since I had so many emotions & thoughts going on.
    I hope many people will read this post & think more carefully about what they say to others.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 12, 2021 at 3:23 pm

      Me too, it’s so heartbreaking. I hope you feel better now x

      Reply
  27. Alicia from Nourishing Foods.Tasty Meals says

    October 12, 2021 at 8:51 pm

    I don’t know much about this. I have come across people who have tried to self harm and was not sure on how to react. This article is informative. Thanks for writing about it.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 13, 2021 at 11:27 am

      Thank you for reading ❤

      Reply
  28. Mel says

    October 13, 2021 at 11:30 am

    This is a really important post and I wish more people knew not to say these things. I had a customer comment on my scars recently and it was just so uncomfortable and awkward. I also really wish people knew that saying “just stop” is not helpful at all; if people could “just stop,” we would.

    Thank you so much for this post. Reading it really validated a lot of my own thoughts about the subject and helped me articulate why people saying these things bothers me.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      October 14, 2021 at 7:34 am

      I’m so sorry that a customer commented! Sending you lots of love xx

      Reply
  29. Tess says

    October 16, 2021 at 12:05 am

    It can be traumatic and worrying to learn that.

    Reply
  30. Penny says

    March 3, 2022 at 8:59 pm

    These are all so important Caroline, thank you for sharing them and raising awareness about this topic. Xx Penny | http://www.whatdidshetype.com

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      March 3, 2022 at 11:31 pm

      Thank you xx

      Reply
  31. Josie says

    April 16, 2022 at 2:50 pm

    This is so true. When people first found out about me self-harming, I got sent to the school counsellor in the middle of school and my parents later that day told me that they’d all agreed I’d done it to copy my best friend who also struggled with self-harming. These things are so damaging and unhelpful to say to people who are already obviously struggling and some people really just can’t see that.

    Reply
    • Caroline says

      April 17, 2022 at 2:29 pm

      I’m so sorry you had to go through that! x

      Reply

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